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FALLING FOR A MARRIED MAN

I was one of those women who despised women who dated married men without even taking into consideration how they could have ended up in such situations.

I also took pride in myself that no married man could ever trick me to believe he would leave his wife to be with me without being able to see right through his teet. I thought for a woman to be tricked like that she must be completely stupid and said ‘NOT ME’ would I ever be in such a situation.  I was so proud of myself that for many years I managed to avoid getting tangled in such a situation.

God was I wrong about that, it happened to me and looking back it was so easy for the married man to manipulate me into falling for his charms, it took absolutely no effort at all no matter how smart I try to shield the story in my head. The interesting part was when it came to an end, he used my strength/weakness depending on how one looks at it to try and manipulate or blame me for not being the right girlfriend therefore if I did not do as he says and change to be what he wanted me to be we could not continue with the relationship.

He was asking for the impossible knowing fully well it was something which just couldn't be done. The reasoning for the breakup was very unreasonable, not sensible at all and I couldn't really understand what the hell he was talking about.What never bothered him at the beginning when he wanted sex became a weapon for him to use to end the relationship…looking back its actually hilarious and I am laughing as I type this. This is a very common trick used by these men.

They will tell you that you talk too much even though they met you that way, you drink too much even though they met you that way, you listen to people or friends too much even though they met you that way, you have slept with too many people therefore I cant trust you even though they knew that from the beginning, you don’t want me to control you even though they never controlled you at the beginning and also as if you are not a human being but rather just a thing to be used and controlled. They’ll tell you my wife or child is sick and I need to be there for them and cant leave now….I mean the excuses most women we know as they are endless.

But please know you are NOT at fault, he is MANIPULATING you and I beg you leave him with dignity. The more you try to reason with him the more he will become very disrespectful towards you, believe me he will enjoy seeing you begging him not to leave you, its truly nothing but a sickness. Leave him with dignity because it doesn’t matter what you say or do he is going to LEAVE you regardless.I understand there are women who enjoy and get the thrill of dating married men which is something that is truly disturbing and I hope in time this behaviour changes.

For majority of women I believe they simply have hope and believe that they found the right person who they connected with and one day the married man would set his wife free to be with them (as they often tell these women that the marriage has long ended at home and they are no longer having sex with their wives) and sadly enough I was indeed in that category.The fact that matters is that the majority of women have this longing need to settle down, be someone else’s wife and have a family of her own, it is very cultural to think that way but unfortunately often this weakness/strength to feel this way is often abused by most men not just married men and only for their own sexual need and satisfaction.

These women have had their hearts broken into million pieces because of the disappointment of falling in love with a married man and when the truth hits home, realisation that it has all just been a game to the man the results are painful to even think about. Few women will take it with dignity and die the embarrassment silently, some will seek endless revenge, some will have a mental breakdown, some will commit suicide, some will go into the depth of depression and a few will take this simply as part of life and draw something positive out of the situation for their own personal growth.

We don’t need to choose to remain victims, we can choose to see the light at the end of the tunnel by also taking responsibility of the situation. How one reacts to the breakup completely depends on one’s personal life experience.We all know that infidelity comes a long way, most people grow up knowing father, grandfather great-grandfather had affairs therefore the chain continued to an extent it feels like it is now cultural. I just want us to look at this on a deeper level rather than blaming men all the time. If we identify ourselves with situations we remain stuck in those situations and we continue to live life in circles.

Having said that, this behaviour is nothing but animalistic, what is the point of being called a human being when we are behaving in such animalistic way? We have evolved to what we are because we have consciousness and intelligence, this is what differentiates us from animals. How one could constantly allow their hormones to hijack their intelligence is completely beyond me. Where is our consciousness? Where is our intelligence? This question doesn’t only go to men but also to women who have chosen to nowadays behave like men just because they are sick of being cheated on and seek revenge.

How could we possibly break the cycle if we carry on like this? This truly breaks my heart and I see no resolution if we carry on this way.It is us women who can change this because we are the ones responsible for  raising our sons into men. It is us women who have the power to STOP this behaviour by saying NO to sleeping with married men. It is us who have the power to leave our husbands if they are cheating and you believe he will not stop treating you badly. We truly hold the key to turning this situation around rather than joining men in this infidelity situation.

We are the hearts of this world and without the heart this world wouldn’t know what gentleness is, what beauty is, what delicacy is, what decency is, what lifes fun is and also we are the balancers of this life. We are the ones keeping this world together in one piece and not falling apart because believe me if it was only men on this earth they would destroy this planet instantly and believe me if it wasn’t because of the sexual need a man has for a woman they would have also long time ago destroyed us women and that is a fact. Please let us not join them in destroying our planet and ourselves but rather find a way to resolve the situation. Let's tackle the root of this.

I have had the privilege of being a victim and raised above that and looked deep into the situation to enable me to share this with the nation.Perhaps it was a path I had to take at the right time in my life, who knows?! After all life is a mystery with nothing but uncertainty and we can never ever know what’s instore for us. There is more I could say about this issue but let me end it here for now and say thank you for taking the time to read this and I hope what I said finds the light within you to help us light this nation.

Botswana is a very small population and we can be a great example for other countries around the world if we worked together hand in hand to tackle many issues we face in this country, not just infidelity. May God Bless Us!

Written by a Victim From Ramatlabama

 

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WeekendLife

Death or Divorce – a tough choice for many

24th May 2022
pic

Rebecca* is a woman in her late thirties. She holds her head high and walks with a sway in her steps. There is an air of confidence when she speaks. So when she tells me how her husband has been abusing her throughout their 17 years of marriage, I am taken aback.

“Everyday is a new experience for me. I don’t know what version of husband I’ll meet; the one who will scold me for forgetting to lay out his clothes or the one who will hit me for putting too much salt in the soup,” she says while wiping tears. 17 years is almost two decades. I ask her why she has had to endure all that pain for a long time but she only shakes her head and does not answer.

Like Rebecca, hundreds of women experiencing domestic violence find it difficult to leave. For some, it is for reasons best known to them, for others, they simply do not know why or have the words. People who have not experienced abuse find it unfathomable that survivors stay in their relationships and not leave. It seems almost like they enjoy it. But until an experience has been felt, it is easy to give directives on how to act.

For Ms. Ilavbare Goldfish Rahmatulai, it took 6 years to escape the suffocating grip of her abuser. “It was a traumatic experience,” she tells me. “I can tell you this for free; the same intensity used to abuse you is the same intensity used to beg. When he does this, pity begins to set in and you become confused on what to do.”

Ms. Ilavbare Goldfish Rahmatulai

I ask Ms. Demilade Lawal, a psychologist from the University of Chester, in an interview, if there is a psychological reason behind this and she affirms.

“For a lot of women, it’s a glimmer of hope that things are going to get better. And that glimmer of hope can be understood when we are aware of the social cycle of abuse. There is a tension phase, an abuse phase and a honeymoon phase. In the honeymoon phase the abuser temporarily changes his ways and alters the victim’s decision to leave. Then the tension starts and then abuse follows.”

Another reason women remain entangled with their abusers is the fear of the unknown, the unclear reality of what would be after leaving.

“The truth is, as much as this person abuses them, there is an emotional connection. They love this person, there is a traumatic attachment whether they are aware of it or not. It is not the best love environment but it doesn’t change the fact that this is how they feel about the person that abuses them. So the thought of starting afresh without this person whom they have grown to love despite the abuse is just as frightening,” Ms Lawal says.

Although this may sound like an unjustifiable reason to some who have not walked this path, Ms. Rahmatulai agrees.

“In my case, I loved him very much. I could not imagine going to tell my family members or friends that the man I loved started hitting me as early as a month into our marriage. I was embarrassed. So I stayed back, hoping it would get better,” she says.

Research shows that one of the many reasons why women remain in abusive marriages is a lack of income which results in total financial dependency on the abuser. Could this be a strategy to trap the victim in an abusive cycle?

“While I was married, my husband would give me very little housekeeping money. He knew I did not have a job and the money would be insufficient but I could not say a word. I had to feed my children. If I complained I would get beaten. He provided for everything in the house, what authority did I have to question him,” Ms Rahmatulai says to me.

I ask Rebecca if she has a job and she says no. She mentions she’s an interior decorator but she barely gets offers. When she does, her husband collects everything.

A major factor for avoiding abusive marriages is to identify red flags. However, these flags are sometimes mistaken for natural behavioural traits. In Ms Rahmatulai’s case, she tells me she noticed her husband was quick tempered and ill mannered before marriage however she waved them aside as he had never hit her during courtship.

How then can abuse survivors find the courage to leave?

“The decision to leave is a process, it takes a shift in perspective – realising that you deserve better and that your kids deserve to grow in a healthy home where they don’t learn to be abusers or think it’s okay to be abused,” Ms Lawal says.

“When I pack my bags to leave, my husband would hit me. When I unpack, he would hit me. I started going to school to get a degree and then later I started trading. When I had what seemed like enough then (N80,000/ $192), I left my husband regardless of the worst that could happen. I realised if I stayed long enough, I would be dead,” Ms Rahmatulai says.

“It’s been 20 years since I left. I’m 51 and a lawyer now. I have dedicated my life to helping women in abusive marriages leave. So many men have called me a home breaker but I say it’s better to break a home and save a life.”

*Rebecca has asked to stay anonymous by using a pseudonym.

Claire Mom is a Nigerian journalist and an advocate for human rights.
Email: clairemom26@gmail.com
Twitter: speakclairely

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WeekendLife

7 Days to go before As One Music Concert

24th May 2022
ATI

Multitudes of music lovers are expected to throng Francistown’s Obert Itani Chilume Stadium for the highly anticipated As One Music concert next weekend.

Updating WeekendLife on the preparations of the event, Kesego Okie said the preparations for the show are going well and they are working around the clock to make sure that they fulfill all logistics that need to be concluded. She said, ATI has been working hard alongside the featured artists to give Batswana the best experience at concert.

She said that the concert has been accepted well by Batswana and they are very happy with the ticket sales. ”But of course we are looking forward to more ticket sales as more people are showing more interest in being part of this historic event and we are grateful to all our partners and sponsors.”

She appealed to the Francistown Business Community to come on board and support the initiative as it’s a concert for the people. Okie said Francistown was chosen for a reason as they believe it is a gate way to a number of other strategic places in Botswana like Maun, Orapa, Phikwe and Kasane.

“We also felt that since the city has been greatly affected by COVID-19 an event of this magnitude was befitting to be held in Francistown so that we can also play our role in uplifting the socio-economic livelihood hence we believe it is vital for the business community of Francistown to embrace us so that collectively we can contribute meaningfully together as one to the community of Francistown”.

She indicated that they have a large number of artists particularly from Francistown that have shown interest during the show activation and other artists that have collaborated with ATI in the past and those that have contributed in the growth of his music, and it would be very difficult for them to fulfil the mandate of the show without support particularly from the corporate community in Francistown.

Tickets for the event are sold at P50 kids, P150 general, 500 VIP silver circle and VVIP for P1500. All tickets are sold at all Liquarama Outlets across the country.

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WeekendLife

Phakalane soars to new heights

24th May 2022
Magang

Founded 30 years ago by David Magang, Phakalane Estates came from humble beginnings to gradually expand into developing one of the most desirable neighborhoods in the country which attract high income dwellers.

When the development began in the early 90s the estate was to be developed into 13 phases. It is then that a decision was taken by the developers to come up with plans that would be appealing to certain groups of the society.

Phakalane Estates continues to make its mark in the property development space, this year, they have managed to invests over P45 million on major renovations to the Golf Estate properties namely the hotel, golf course, and conference center.

Already the company has erected 84 single and double bedroom apartments which commenced early this year. The construction of these new apartments has been set for Peto Estates, a gated community within the Phakalane neighborhood strategically placed a stone’s throw away from multiple shopping centres such as Mowana Park and Acacia Mall.

“We want the best for our clients that is why even in Peto, we have various apartments for every one and also bearing in mind that the people should be not far from the complex,” Phakalane Estates’ Lesang Magang said in an interview.

So far the roads tarring has started at Sebote estate which is part of the estate expansion, it is expected that even things electrically will get handed to the Botswana Power Corporation which will be the last stage plus the lights on the streets. “In terms of infrastructure we don’t compromise we ensure that it is world class so that we don’t disappoint our clients. Those that brought houses earlier when they sell them it comes at a profit.”

Following the success of the launch of Peto Estates back in 2014, when over 300 plots ranging in cost from roughly P300, 000 to P1.4m were immediately sold out with a high surplus of demand, Phakalane Estates boasts strong confidence in the market demand for new apartments in the area.

The apartments are set to follow the trend of the estates with state of the art modern designs and facilities that will unequivocally catch the eye of professionals in the market for a smaller yet upscale rental property in Gaborone. Phakalane Estates CEO Subramaniam Parthiban has expressed plans for the creation of an all-new industrial park in Phakalane aiming to expand and consolidate the existing industrial strength the community already boasts.

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