But what does it really mean to be Queer? Yes, it’s an identity but it also conveys a sense of community. Queer isn’t a synonym for gay, but even in 2020, it still confuses the best out of many.
Queer is a word that clarifies that one is not straight and it ties them to the larger queer community, but it doesn’t categorize them as gay. The vagueness of the term is intentional-queer is an identity created for anyone outside of the heterosexual norm and meant to be inclusive and create a sense of acceptance.
While all labels used to describe one’s sexual orientation are unique to the individual, unlike homosexual, queer is an umbrella term that can be used by anyone under the LGBTIQ spectrum. Queer conveys both an orientation and a sense of community. ‘’The community aspect states ‘Because we’re all different, we can celebrate our differences. I can accept you for who you are, and there’s power in numbers’ there’s an aspect to it that doesn’t allow for isolation.
Some folks who fall somewhere in the middle of the sexual orientation spectrum, will describe themselves as queer rather than bisexual or pansexual. Others will use both and introduce themselves as bisexual and queer. The term queer is also used by those whose gender does not fall on the binary’’
The celebration and use of the word queer is one of reclamation. Not so long ago, queer was still used as slur. It was a derogatory term. The reclamation of the word is like, this is who I am, we don’t need to be like everyone else; let’s celebrate our differences, and don’t try to put me in any sort of box of who you need me to be because I’ll continuously try to break down the boxes. It is worth noting that while the word queer is generally celebrated, some LGBTIQ folks still prefer to avoid it due to its discriminatory history.
Sex planning is touchy, and when you’re queer, you often are asked things about your sexuality or find people assuming things about how you engage in sex that are entirely ignorant. Now, we all know LGBTIQ folks get asked a lot of strange and awkward questions when it comes to sex. Society, family, friends and pretty much everyone else will have something to say, and it can get awkward.
One person is more masculine, one is more feminine. Also known as: one person is always the top, one person is the bottom. Or, one person is the ‘man’ and the other person is the ‘woman.’ Assuming this masculine/feminine kind of relationship dynamic is myopic and will not make you look cool or informed. Queer people, just like all people, do not always take on traditional gender roles, whether both people have penises or both have vaginas.
We are talking about two human people here who may or may not be versatile when to comes to toping or bottoming or who may or may not stay in specific roles during sex. This logic applies to heterosexual couples too, by the way. For cisgender straight couples, it’s still wrong to assume that just because you have a vagina, you’re automatically down to take orders, or that just because you have a penis, you are in charge.
People assume that someone who is dominant is always controlling. If you find out a queer person is dominant in the bedroom, don’t assume that they are the one controlling the relationship. Likewise, if someone is submissive, don’t assume they can’t wear the pants. Who they are in bed is not always who they are in life. This is falling into that ‘one must be masculine, one feminine’ trap again. Sure, if one person is dominant in the sack, they totally might be dominant in the relationship, but you cannot assume that.
Queer sex is not some simple thing you can put into a box of ‘yes, that counts’ and ‘no, that doesn’t’. Penetration is not necessarily always involved when it comes to queer sex. Some cisgender gay women define sex between two women as when someone has an orgasm. Now, this is not necessarily how every person would define sex between two vagina owners. Anal sex does not always qualify as sex between two penis owners. Queer sex is not seen in the black and white, penis in the vagina that heterosexual sex is often, and most probably wrongly defined.
In his quest to explain all this misconceptions, blogger and owner of local artvism blog Banana Emoji Tanlume Enyatseng is hosting the third instalment and first of its 2020 edition of Banana Club, a platform aimed at informing, inspiring and engaging with various key publics in an effort to lead a relevant and dynamic conversations. The third club session will delve into the topic ‘sexual health and wellbeing in the LGBTIQ community’, next week in Gaborone.
He told Weekend Life that ‘’this particular session of Banana Club seeks to explore issues around queer sex, consent, pleasure and sexual health and wellbeing in the LGBTIQ community in hopes of encouraging people to think differently about sex in an environment that is truly inclusive. Sexual health is a fundamental human right and we believe in equal access for all people irrespective of gender or sexuality. Banana Club remains committed to changing the narrative that the queer community are difficult to reach; we ask instead where the gaps in knowledge are, what type of interventions will address them and work with communities to create culturally specific interventions.’’
Banana Club indicated that it welcomes the support of allies that agree with its manifesto and wish to work with them to achieve a certain aim. The session is split into two halves; one half being dedicated to sharing personal experience, with each participant free to contribute as much or as little as they want and the second half being dedicated to questions and answers. With the help of the community, Banana Club wants to pinpoint where health institutions and practitioners are failing LGBTIQ people and propose ways that might remedy this. The session will be documented as part of a research process.
Enyatseng further indicated that as Banana Club, they seek to challenge dominant narratives and create a space in which the queer community can discuss freely, saying when they share their stories, they foster visibility and wipe out myths. ‘’the visibility that comes from different people sharing experiences, queering and disrupting views of the world, is a celebration of plurality’’ he said.
Bananaemoji.com established in 2016 is a blog that illustrates today’s evolving culture through art, social commentary, fashion and humor. Its readers are anything but the normal, they’re bold, free-spirited life lovers who recognize that perfection is boring. The blog reaches a community of over 6000 views around the world and works from the website have been published in such platforms as WeTransfer, Blaque Magazine, AfroPunk as well as Guardian.
It goes without saying that men and women handle pain differently. Especially emotional pain. Men tend to be more emotionally immature compared to women when it comes to matters of the heart.
It is for this reason that men do not handle break ups or cheating as well as their counterparts. Where women have been groomed from a young age to express their emotions men have been told to “suck it up and be a man”. This may be one of the reasons why men are unable to express their emotions. It’s therefore that it can be a tad bit surprising that men cheat the most but are the weakest to deal when cheated on.
Research has proven that men find it difficult to digest being cheated on. British Psychotherapist, Philip Hodson opines that men find it hard to forgive cheating because it affects their masculinity, and to them, it might signal the end of the relationship.
“Men can forgive themselves for their indiscretions, but they find it much harder to forgive their partners for the same. For a betrayed woman, an affair by a man is an offence against her dignity, but for a betrayed man, a woman’s infidelity is an offence against his manhood. It goes right to the core of his identity,” said Hodson.
WeekendLife also interviewed a few gentlemen on their honest feeling about being cheated and if they find it hard to forgive their partners after cheating. Tinashe Mangiroza said, “From the beginning, men are designed with the potential to have and to reproduce with many spouses. Women on the other hand are more or less designed to focus on one man. Along with this natural design, women have stronger pain tolerance. Yes women feel pain when cheated on, but their tolerance is much higher than that of a man (in view of what I said above).”
“And men on the other hand have a low emotional pain tolerance, hence the higher suicide and murder rates among men. Then remember there’s also the ego element which men have. So when you combine a big ego, low pain tolerance and other things such as selfishness and competing with other men, it almost ends a man’s self-worth when a woman he loves decides to sleep with another man.”
He admits to have been cheated on before which he said it took away his self-esteem and he had to sleep around as a way of easing the pain whilst waiting to heal. Another gentleman who was also cheated at some point, Monwabisi Ndumiso Mgenge, highlighted that when a woman cheated on him it becomes very difficult for him to take her back because loyalty is everything to him.
“This is because most of the times relationship involves sex. You see the person naked you enjoy that, you don’t want anybody having what you have. You are emotionally invested and have imagined the future many times and this is why some get violent cause its trauma really.”
Psychologist at the Obafemi Awolowo University, Prof. Toba Elegbeleye said, “when it comes to marriage, men and women see things differently. He pointed out that a man tends to see the woman as possession, and so, the moment somebody else tries to cross the boundary and interferes with his property, there is bound to be serious problem.”
“So, it is not because women don’t care or they forgive so easily, but the circumstances don’t favour them as they favour men. If women were in a dominant position, they easily would have driven the man away. So, the moment a female has committed herself to marriage, for her to voluntarily and openly get out of it becomes a kind of stigma, and women cannot handle stigma, particularly where children are involved. Mothers would not want to walk away, unless it’s beyond their powers, thus they would rather endure.”
Thabiso Cavin Bogopa, an Empowerment Expert also shared with WeekendLife that men are wired different from women hence their response to cheating won’t be the same. “What may prove to be a difficulty in men forgiving cheating is that, generally speaking men sleep with who they can, women sleep with who they want, so the overarching thing becomes she cheated with her desire, the person she is actually attracted to and the cheated man struggles with that truth, as he realizes that sex for him is opportunity based, while for his counterpart is a deliberate and conscious choice.
This to a certain extent is what forms the challenge for men,” he explained. “Cheating devalues an individual both the cheater and cheated on, but more profoundly manifest in the cheated as they start to decrease in their self-esteem, losing their regard for themselves as they are undermined they may begin to try to address this trauma in multiple ways but more commonly through being exactly what they detest because they are stuck in the experience, they therefore cheat and become messed up.”
“No one gets away with cheating even if you never get caught, you become depleted as a person by the lies, trickery and illicit emotional trade. But if we may, the choice to forgive a cheating partner is a personal choice that goes both ways.”
It takes more than just having the body for the ramp to be an “it girl/boy” in the industry. A lot hows into being the cream de la cream. This includes intense coaching and being fortified to thrive in Botswana’s modelling industry as well as making a name for yourself beyond boarders.
No doubt that the likes of Kaone Kario, Mmina Gaebonwe and Emmanuel Kayenda are household names today because of their well-crafted talent. Which needs to be passed on even to aspiring models. Raymond Geofrey an Editor and Content Creator at Vogue magazine who is also known for his Pan African story telling through photography, shared with WeekendLife about what it means and what it takes to be an all-round model, who is capacitated to make a living from their craft.
“Models need good etiquette and good communication especially when dealing with clients reaching to them. They should be able to professionally communicate with them. They need to be efficient in their communication. Professionalism also entails time management during bookings, shootings and auditions. Models should always be early by 1 hour 30 minutes. Enquire about contracts and make contact with consultants. This also include seeking legal advice,” he said.
“Models should have business cards and business WhatsApp numbers. They should possess a good social media account such as Facebook pages with clear biographies. Posts should be sponsored.” Knowing how to transcend the ramp as a model is one of the things that is always a big deal to models and agencies. Geofrey highlighted that models ultimately must know how to walk spectacularly on the runway. When it comes to posing, models are often expected to kill it and bring their A game which in turn will help shine their personality.
Geofrey said models do not take time to read and study as well as research about posing. The more models are confident the more they are able to bring out their personalities on the shoot. He said self-awareness is also imperative, as models are required to be aware of themselves. When wearing heels and walking down the ramp, they should catwalk to the beat.
When it comes to the modelling industry in Botswana, they normally complain about numerous things which are pushing the industry backward. One of these he said is industrialization and policy making, the most lacking and key factors in need in the sector. “The modelling industry in Botswana is still not industrialized that is there are no laws or policies currently in Botswana to govern the trade of modelling in Botswana. Modelling is still not a legal registered profession in Botswana,” he said.
“Affiliation of local agencies to global/international modelling agencies; we have seen a rise in business revenue with regards to fashion modelling in Nigeria, Ghana, Uganda, Kenya etc, due to the fact that they are exporting a larger number of models overseas to walk at fashion shows like Paris Fashion Week. This is simply because they have affiliations, partnerships with agents/bookers/agencies based in fashion capitals of the world (Paris, London, Milan & New York).”
Lack of etiquette which he said is rather unprofessional, is one of the things that hold back local models. “A lot of models in the country still walk unranked at shows (New faces, freelance, full time, professional, international model etc). Also models lack training in the art of modelling (posing, runway, social media training, and business acumen.”
In the age of brand ambassadors, models have been key in this aspect in making brands known and marketable. Even so, they are many slots that define and categorize modelling work. “Fashion models are usually booked for shows or by designers. Editorial are more for official print/brand work such as for magazines (print/online), websites, blogs etc. Commercial are more on promoting business services of institutions, government or the private sector (including banking institutions, insurance, services providers etc). Fitness models are for promoting a healthy and active lifestyle, we see them booked by professionals sports/athletes/gym brands or the food & health industry (what is popular now is supplements such as herbal life),” he explained.
Like other countries, where models are paid a leg and an arm, the same should be incorporated in Botswana instead of exploiting them. “By respecting what models do and bring to the table; and you do that by paying them what they deserve on time,” Geofrey said. Geofrey is currently running classes for models called ‘Etiquette Class Models’ which offers runway coaching. It equips models with different types of walks. They also offer social media training and mentoring on running as a model entrepreneur.
Thabiso Tshwenyana is certainly a bright spark. He has been hitting the books, at the same time pushing hustle on radio! Well, you may not know who I’m talking about right now unless I refer to him as ‘Lerapo’, or ‘Bundle of Joy ya Radio’, as he is commonly called by his aficionados on radio.
Lerapo is resolute on taking over the entertainment and broadcasting space, of course wearing many hats as a radio host, content producer and a socialite. Not only that, he is a fresh Real Estate graduate currently functioning as a property analyst.
One may wonder how this young lad (currently 23-years-old) managed to be on radio, at the same time pursuing his Degree in Real Estate. Well, he says it took grit, time management and really doing what one likes. And he is right, because in today’s world anyone can call themselves a presenter. But it takes unparalleled skill, unbreakable determination, and heaps of talent to captivate an audience of millions.
Whether or not you think he’s the best, there’s no arguing that Lerapo is possibly the most prominent young radio presenter to hail from the Botswana. Initially starting his career in 2017, Lerapo earned himself a reputation as ‘Bundle of Joy ya Radio’ by consistently pushing the boundaries of what could be said and done.
His shows consists of outrageous humor and youthful content that’s shocking the radio establishment, and taking young people to cloud 9. The show is called The Youth Café on Duma FM, and airs every Saturday between 2PM and 2PM, broadcasting in vernacular.
When sharing with Weekendlife his startling life on radio and how he will be turning it down this year, he says the journey started back in 2017 at RB2 where he hosted a 30-minute feature. “I am definitely a go-getter. I love radio and this has been my childhood dream! I held onto this dream and survived against all odds. I am happy to be on radio because after all the knockings, snubs and distressing coercions, I persisted nonetheless. Sometimes it was just a matter of being at the right place at the right time.”
Before joining Duma FM in 2019, he was a content producer at yet another youthful urban radio station Yarona FM. At the age of 23-years old, Lerapo has worked at three radio stations, both government and private urban stations. Remarkable! For someone aspiring to be on radio, I can confidently say he is the pluq for inspiration and familiarity.
He continued to dish more on what radio really needs, saying “Taking time to perfect the craft, being open to learn from others and just digging down on books and the internet on how radio works did magic to me. It became easier to comprehend fully what I needed and how to go about getting it.”
Being a radio presenter means having a whole team prior to going on air. This means having a show prep, and reflecting on how the show went down with your producers or programs manager. Programs manager handles the business of the radio station and leave the voice and personality to the presenter.
Presenters have to follow rules of the programs manager even if they may not see eye-to-eye. They may prefer to play safe and repeat music even though sometimes a presenter prefers to take a risk and make changes to the music. Nevertheless, the success of the radio station lies in programs manager’s hands.
“After a show I usually have a reflection on how it went then I plan for the next show. On Tuesdays I have what we call an ‘air check’ with either the programs manager or his assistant to identify hiccups on the previous show and see how best to work on them to have a great delivery on the next show. Since I produce my own show, I give them a preliminary show prep. Once approved, I start contacting guests to be featured on the show and later share the final show prep a day before the show airs with the bosses.”
Still on his show, he does live reads. These are paid adverts that he discusses with the marketing department prior to his show going live. Well, as for a sizzling playlist, the music compiler knows how to serve him right.
He says a great radio hosts listens, reads and makes a show about the listener. ‘A common mistake we make as radio hosts is that we make the show about us and tend to feel that we know more than the listener. We also ought to respect the listener, these are our clients after all. Radio hosts should also refrain from relying on social media for content, most of it is fake and unverified by relevant authorities.”